contemplation

Last week I had to ge to get my new military ID. Not a life changing thing until Isaw my picture. I look so old and sooooo FAT. How did I let myself get to where I am? Since then I have been doing some long hard thinking about life, my weight, my choices and where I am going. These thoughts have permeated everything I've done from sleeping, to Christmas shopping.

A couple of weeks ago I was watching my favorite show, Biggest loser. One of the women was asked to talk about her before picture and she commented on how sad she looked. I noticed in my ID photo and many others, even ones on vactions or cruises, that I too look so sad. that is becasue I am sad inside. I am embarassed, ashamed, disappointed in myself and I often feel like a failure. I don't want to live like this anymore.

Late one night, when I couldn't sleep, I was channel surfing when I ran across the show Ruby. It is about an 500 lb woman who is on the adventure of weight loss. She is a beautiful dynamic woman who also wonders how she got so huge. I fear that If I don't do something I too will soon weigh 500 lbs. But I won't be lucky enough to have a Tv show chronicle my weight loss journey.
ther was one particilar scene that really made animpact on me. She was in the drive through with her nephew. He wanted to eat at her favorite fast food restaurant. As she pulled up to the drive-thru the sights and smells were almost too much for her. she said "oh remember the good old days",but were theyreally all that good. Was she truly happy eating crap and beign so fat? I think not. As i am not happy being so fat. I don't eat the fast food and as much as she dis, but I obvisiously not eating right . Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!

Last night I was watching one of my favorite movies"Phat Girlz". This movie always make me cry! I'm not fat I just live in the wrong country. I need to move to Africa. This is what I tell myself when I watch this movie. I just want to feel beautiful, wanted and loved! I don't feel that now. If I don't love myself how do I expect anyone to love me.

Ive come to the conclusion that I ahve 2 choices: learn to accept who and what I am, quit worrying about my weight and move on or change. Both choices ave very difficult. I don't think I can ever accept who I am at this weight. Change is difficult because I don't know how. I need help and I don't know where to get it.