life is good

Since I started blogging I have made big changes in my life. I started an at work weight watchers group, I started exercising (and believe it or night I actually like it--something I NEVER thought I'd ever say), I have lost 45 pounds and 4 clothing sizes. I cant beleive how much better I feel about myself, my job and life in general. I still have many pounds to go until I reach my goal under 200 pounds and ultimate goal of 180, but instead of looking at how far I have to go I look at how far I have come.......I can swim a mile, I jog and I'm taking a yoga class--three things I never would have done before. I'm looking forward to taking a dance class this spring too and looking great for my 25th high school reunion.

Its a new beginning

This is another year and once again I say I am going to loose weight, but something about this year feels different. I feel positive about my goals. I am putting together a weight watchers meeting at my work, I am exercising more, not eating seconds and I am looking for a good counselor. I know that no matter how much I loose on a diet, it doesn't matter if I don't work on the things that have made me fat in the first place. I feel like I want to loose weight not just that I have to. I also have something to plan for. Next year 2010 will be my 25th high school reunion and I am actually excited. I have been catching up with old freinds on facebook and am looking forward to seeing them. I have not gone to reunions in the past because of my weight. I grew up in So. Cal where image is everything. I don't want people to remembr me because I have gained 140 pounds. I want to be remembered for all I have accompolished in my life: a great marriage, 2 wonderful girls, and a career I love.

contemplation

Last week I had to ge to get my new military ID. Not a life changing thing until Isaw my picture. I look so old and sooooo FAT. How did I let myself get to where I am? Since then I have been doing some long hard thinking about life, my weight, my choices and where I am going. These thoughts have permeated everything I've done from sleeping, to Christmas shopping.

A couple of weeks ago I was watching my favorite show, Biggest loser. One of the women was asked to talk about her before picture and she commented on how sad she looked. I noticed in my ID photo and many others, even ones on vactions or cruises, that I too look so sad. that is becasue I am sad inside. I am embarassed, ashamed, disappointed in myself and I often feel like a failure. I don't want to live like this anymore.

Late one night, when I couldn't sleep, I was channel surfing when I ran across the show Ruby. It is about an 500 lb woman who is on the adventure of weight loss. She is a beautiful dynamic woman who also wonders how she got so huge. I fear that If I don't do something I too will soon weigh 500 lbs. But I won't be lucky enough to have a Tv show chronicle my weight loss journey.
ther was one particilar scene that really made animpact on me. She was in the drive through with her nephew. He wanted to eat at her favorite fast food restaurant. As she pulled up to the drive-thru the sights and smells were almost too much for her. she said "oh remember the good old days",but were theyreally all that good. Was she truly happy eating crap and beign so fat? I think not. As i am not happy being so fat. I don't eat the fast food and as much as she dis, but I obvisiously not eating right . Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!

Last night I was watching one of my favorite movies"Phat Girlz". This movie always make me cry! I'm not fat I just live in the wrong country. I need to move to Africa. This is what I tell myself when I watch this movie. I just want to feel beautiful, wanted and loved! I don't feel that now. If I don't love myself how do I expect anyone to love me.

Ive come to the conclusion that I ahve 2 choices: learn to accept who and what I am, quit worrying about my weight and move on or change. Both choices ave very difficult. I don't think I can ever accept who I am at this weight. Change is difficult because I don't know how. I need help and I don't know where to get it.

drawing a blank

This week has gone by so quickly,I cant beleive it is Thursday already. Starting this blog has really made me do alot of thinking. Of course I am always away from the computer (in the shower or car) when I get great insight I want to write down, yet when I get a chance to write I draw a blank. ...like now. Maybe something deep will come to me later.TTFN

I was reading an article about blogging and how it helps some people loose weight. I figured it can't hurt since I've tried everythng else to loose weight, except surgery. I've titled my blog 'big, blonde and beautiful" because this is my mantra. I tell myself this, but I don't actually believe it. I just hope that the more I say it to myself that one day I may actually believe it. I try to hide my pain behind a smile, well manicured hands, make-up and nice clothes, but no one really knows how horrible I feel. I HATE being fat! I hate everything about being fat; not being able to see my feet or put my socks on w/o getting winded, having a seatblet that is too tight, being disgusted when I see my reflection, not sleeping because because my sleep apnea is so bad, not being able to be intimate with my husband and worse of all I hate what I am teaching my daughters, yet I can't seem to take the steps I need to to get this fat suit I wear off. It is my hope that putting myself out there will help me face reality and finally do waht I need to to love myself and loose the weight.